By Katie O’Shaughnessy
You’ve chosen several ladies to be your go-to gals for the wedding. Make sure they feel valued every step of the way while getting what you deserve out of the bargain.
1. “Bridesmaids” This is the closest to honest you’ll be getting with these women. The term “bridesmaid” has become revered. Everyone wants to be one of those lucky chicks in matching outfits at the wedding. They’re looked up to, they’re hooked up with, and their matching outfits make them look like a sexy military battalion. But when you separate the syllables and add a cute little apostrophe, Voila! The truth comes out: Bride’s maids. These ladies are literally your maids. Use them as such. Send them to buy dresses. Order them to hot glue favors and bead vases. Dictate their schedules. Point out where they missed dust on your armoire and make them start over.
2. “You can wear it again” This is a challenge for most brides, and that’s why we say, “Practice, practice, practice!” Start early with, “I’m only looking at dress styles you’ll be able to wear again.” Your ability to say this line with a straight face gives your bridesmaids hope for the future. It puts them at ease, lulling them them into a loving and trustful state. When you choose their dresses, go big. Go fluffy, go pink, go floor-length tulle bustle. It’s your wedding and you do what you want. At their fitting, remind them again – and this is where your acting talent shines – that they’ll be able to hem it and wear it to the club.
3. “I’ll be considerate of your budget” Come on. They knew when they signed up that they were accepting a great honor for which they are hardly worthy. Tell them you’re shooting for bridesmaid dresses that are on sale, but don’t let a silly thing like money dictate your decision! Besides, you paid $9,372.95 for your dress. They’re getting off easy with a slim $600 price tag. They should be thankful they get to buy a ticket to Maui for your destination bash and Becky can keep her mouth shut about paying her own way through college. You’re doing them a favor by requiring they get the first class ticket with champagne toast and in-flight pilot meet-and-greet.
4. “Everything’s under control” or “There’s nothing left to do” Prove to Andrea once and for all, you’re totally not a “heinous bridezilla.” Your friends are busy with their own lives, so be respectful when they ask if there’s anything they can help you with. Use one of these phrases followed with: “Relax. Why are you always freaking out?” It makes them look bridesmaidzillas and gets you off the hook. Don’t worry about getting all the work done. You’ll have them all in one convenient location for the post-rehearsal-dinner-crafting-all-nighter. This is when you supervise them calligraphying placecards, gluing centerpieces, filling personalized tea bag favors with artisanal hand-crafted loose-leaf teas, and building the rest of the décor for the church and the reception hall. Also, restrict alcohol and candy; you don’t want them hungover or struggling with their zippers for the wedding.
5. “You look gorgeous!” HA. Seriously? Not in that dress. Not standing next to the bride.
6. “You’re so important to me” The wedding process is a long, exciting, exhausting, and, honesty, terrible experience. The sunny halo around these women may fade throughout this ordeal. You’re probably not going to bother with Becky and Andrea after you accept their wedding gifts, but right now you still need their stellar DIY abilities. “I love you. You’re so important to me.” Say it, but avoid eye contact in case their demon eyes see into your soul. Practice this one by saying it to the women you do still value. Not Sandy though. Forget Sandy