What the F#$@ is This Crystal Embellished Napkin Ring Doing at My Rustic Chic Wedding?

We here at The Every Bride edited portions of this Real Wedding post in consideration for some of our more sensitive readers.
Rebecca, I can’t help but notice that I gave you one job as my bridesmaids: picking up table accents from Michael’s craft store. And let’s face it, my theme, Country Charm, is just not that difficult. Is it? I mean I’m not being unreasonable when I assumed you, as a 25 year old woman with at least half a brain, would understand some basic principles of what a “Country Charm” wedding invokes? Burlap, mason jars, cozy simple comforts, right? But apparently, this was a mistake on my part, because what do I see right when I walk into the reception hall? Crystal. God D*&% crystal, Rebecca! I mean here I am just trying to set up this low key family and friend centered vibe, and you, I assume deliberately, mess up my entire wedding with F%&$ing crystal napkin holders. Seriously, Rebecca what the F&$#! You know what Rebecca, go to Hell. Though, looking at this crystal napkin holder makes me feel like we’re both F*&%ing there. Idiot.